Thank You, Homo-Christ!

Throughout high school i always secretly leered at my male classmates, in spite of knowing that the word of God in the Bible thus made me a sinner. But then one day when I felt deep despair after seeing one of the most handsome boys kiss a girl, the miracle occurred. I was home alone, and had read a pamphlet that my Church had created to warn against homosexuality. I was comforting myself with a largest cucumber I could find in the kitchen when suddenly Jesus Christ showed himself in front of me.

He had dismounted from cross upon which he had been fixated, and he appeared to me exactly as I had always imagined him. He wore a small loincloth and had welts on his back where he had been whipped. When for a second I doubted, he held forth his hands and showed me his holes.

I fell to me knees in front of Jesus, and he put his hand on my head and pulled me closer. I felt his glory against my face, and Jesus told me to open myself for his love.

At first I hesitated with anxiety, feeling as if nauseating, and I almost choked. But Jesus told me to relax and repeated that I should open myself and receive his love, and I closed my eyes and felt his warm body.

I could not speak until Jesus withdrew and walked around me to stop behind me. My throat felt sore, but I managed to whisper a prayer that Jesus would penetrate my soul, and I begged to be nailed as Jesus had been so many centuries ago.

With a strict but kind voice, Jesus commanded that I belonged to him, and that I was to be his new disciple who would obey his demands. He told me a code word that we would share, and the word was "God."

I felt Jesus within me, and I was full of him. I was near ecstasy as he filled me with his Holy Spirit.

I knew that Jesus would love me until death, but that this would be my own choice. I gasped that I would now teach other men in my situation the love of Christ. He smiled and said that his work here was now done, and that he wished to gather a large communion of men like me that would one day come together in Paradise.

Jesus has not appeared to me since then, but I have planted an erect palm tree whose dates will always remind me of his words and deeds. Jesus is my man now, and I will let him use me in any way he wishes.

Again, I would like to thank Jesus, my Church, and all of his followers. Had you not showed me that Jesus is an alternative to homosexuality, I might never have rid myself of homosexual thoughts. Today I teach homosexual males to turn the other cheeks, and if you are a homosexual young male that have found yourself in the same position as I was in when I met Jesus, I promise I will be right behind you.