Recently in Satire Category

I would like to thank all Christians for loving their neighbor so much that they even extend their love to the abominable homosexuals, wishing to help them.

As a former homosexual I would like to express my gratefulness by telling the world how my membership of my Church and my belief in Christ as my savior has taught me that homosexuality is an abomination and a sin, which Jesus my savior has replaced with a love in Christ.

Ingestion of holy water from Mecca can turn people Muslim. This is the amazing conclusion after subjecting holy water from Mecca to scientific tests.

A local ethnic store had a specialty for sale: genuine, holy water from Mecca. At a discount price of only $3 for a beautiful plastic amphora filled with the waters from the Holy City, the offer was too good to pass.

As sensible skeptics, we suspected that perhaps the amphora might contain nothing but simple tap water, but the store assured us that no-one would buy tap water for $3 a bottle in those quantities, and therefore the water was indeed the real thing.

We were still not entirely convinced, but the store owner added that Muslims purchased these bottles to keep in their homes as well, and that they would obviously never cheat their fellow peoples.

In addition, the Arab letters clearly described the contents of the container as holy water imported from the holy city in Saudi Arabia. There could be no doubt about its authenticity.

Thus the proud and unexpected owners of such a rarity, we began to wonder what to do with this sacriligious item. We are not Muslims, and therefore had no clue what to do with such holy water. Fortunately we don't belong to any other religion either and therefore needed not worry about going to a wrong Hell in case we misapplied the contents.

Instead, we decided to perform some experiments to see if holy water from the holy city of Mecca would demonstrate an effect different from that of regular tap water.

To begin with, we decided to water one of our plants with the holy water. The plant showed no difference in growth, except that within days the plant started to turn away from the light outside the window. Since the plant thrived, evidently the light did no harm, but it seemed very unusual for a plant to turn away from the light.


On repeating the experiment in different rooms with windows facing in different directions it became clear that the plants did indeed not turn away from the light, but instead all leaned towards the south-east of here: more specifically, in the direction of Mecca.

We had seen the first proof that the holy waters from Mecca had a distinct effect.

This sparked our interest, and we decided to go one step further and test the product on animals. We felt relatively secure that the water would not be harmful after the experiments with the plants.

We devised a test where one rat stayed on its regular diet and another rat changed from tap water to holy water. After one week, we offered the rats a piece of pork chops. Again, the result was striking. The rat that had continued to drink regular tap water immediately began to eat the piece of pork chop that we offered to it ("Before" image, indicating the original behavior). The rat that had received holy water in its water bottle showed no interest in the pork chop at all ("After" image, indicating the new behavior):


Since we know that Muslims do not eat pork, the reaction from the rat that had ingested holy water indicates a clear influence from the holy water from Mecca.

It was now time to extend the experiment to humans. Prominent members of the Danish People's Party have on several occasions compared Muslims with rats, and this might imply that rats would show a particularly positive reaction towards the holy water from Mecca. The question therefore remained: would humans react differently than rats?

We hesitated for a while but finally decided to carry out an experiment on our own children. Many leading politicians and Christian theologists have already explained that Islam turns people into fundamentalists and terrorists, and perhaps the effects of the holy water from Mecca would support their explanations.

We secretly replaced his drinking water with holy water from Mecca, and observed his reaction. After one week, we began to see patterns in his behavior that could indicate a distinctly Muslim effect, as shown in the picture to the right.

His behavior is not conclusive evidence, however, as our son may have been influenced by his parents, who are neither republican nor Christian, and we do not support the so-called war on terror.

Our final experiment is still only at the planning stage where yours truly will attempt to brew beer using the holy water from Mecca. We hypothesize that the beer will become non-alcoholic because Muslims are required to abstain from alcoholic drinks. This will be an ultimate sacrifice from me, but I am prepared to make this offer in the name of science.

If it turns out that the holy water of Mecca can indeed influence people and matter, the conclusion should cause alarm, as it means that terrorists could threaten to contaminate Western water supplies with water imported from Saudi Arabia, or perhaps already be doing it, causing an increase in fundamentalism and state terrorism in the nations whose waters are contaminated.

Terrorist Tycoon from Clandestine Action Games is the latest addition to the huge and growing array of tycoon games on the market. According to Clandestine Action Games:

With Terrorist Tycoon, you design, build, and manage your ultimate terrorist organization. You're in control of everything from politics to combat, always keeping your terrorist army content with your leadership and discontent with your enemy.

Spread propaganda through Al Jazeera or Fox News to gain the support of your patriotic terrorists, and use lies and religion to mislead the world opinion to support your invasion of a country rich with resources using any excuse necessary.

Create trade embargos to "prevent the enemy from using medicine for explosives," or build an economy based on opium to survive. Set up import trade routes for enriched uranium and weapons, but remember to hide your financial transactions so that no-one discovers that your chief arms customer might be your enemy.

Train your combat units in hidden desert camps, experience exciting challenges as your opponents intercept your plans or capture your important leaders, and regroup as former allies become your sworn enemies.

Destroy historical buildings such as the Twin Towers of the former World Trade Center to strike fear in your enemy, or torture your political opponents in the Abu Ghraib prison. Immerse yourself in stunning 3-D effects as bodies are thrown to the ground by a suicide bomber, and watch wounded children drag themselves to safety as your coalition of the willing bombs their homes in your organization's "defense" against its "enemies."

Become the most powerful nation on Earth through your skilled leadership and the support of your God, and make you the one that can call your opponents the terrorists: Bring them on!

Jesus Christ could be reborn any day. This is the astonishing news from the University of Dallas where a team of researchers have analyzed the mystical Shroud of Turin for genetic material. According to legend, the Shroud of Turan covered the face of Jesus Christ, and the research team led by Dr. Martin Dickens has discovered human hair among the shroud fibers. The researchers are convinced that these hairs belonged to Christ.

Researchers have found the hair of Christ in the Shroud of Turin.

The hair contains enough genetic material to allow a cloning of Christ, Dr. Dickens concludes. I met Dr. Dickens at his office at the University of Dallas, and Dr. Dickens agreed on a brief interview.

Wolf: Congratulations on this amazing discovery. What do you think the new Jesus can tell us?

Dickens: That is hard to tell, of course. Christian theologists have discussed for centuries what Jesus meant, but we're convinced that Jesus could be persuaded to tell us which one of the about 30,000 different kinds of Christianity around the world is the correct one, or maybe he could offer his own version.

Wolf: How do you think other religions will react on the rebirth of Christ?

Dickens: I think this is a very important question, and we have already consulted Jewish and Muslem experts, asking them how they would react if one day Christ was to be reborn. They were actually surprisingly positive towards the thought. The Muslems thought that since Jesus was just person within an array of prophets, he would simply applaud Muhammed's teachings. The Jews didn't quite consider the theological implications; the rabbi that we spoke with just shrugged his shoulders and said that they could just kill him again if he started any kind of trouble.

Wolf: Excuse me, but I thought you said the Jewish reaction was positive?

Dickens: Ha ha, yes, you might say that their reaction was a bit hostile, but keep in mind that we could just clone another Jesus. So it wouldn't matter if they killed him. Each time they killed one of him, we would just create a new one.

Wolf: That sounds like a strong theological defense. You could actually create an entire army of Christs?

Dickens: Well, we are scientists, and we prefer to focus on protecting our research subjects. We prefer to leave the political aspects to others. But yes, we have in fact decided to create several clones of Christ and place them in different environments to determine whether they will develop the same thoughts of Jesus if they are not aware of their divine identity. It will be very interesting to follow their development. I'm sure you can imagine that their school teachers will believe they are cheating at their exams, ha ha!

Wolf: When do you intend to begin the cloning of Christ?

Dickens: Um, er, this is where we have a somewhat awkward problem. You see, we obviously scrutinized the genetic material meticulously, and while they are surprisingly complete and intact, they are... not so fortunate based on a number of considerations.

Wolf: What are those considerations?

Dickens: Yes, er, theological interpretations have provided us with certain expectations of his perfection and beauty, and the genes do not necessarily support this view. We are also not completely certain that Jesus would be able to engage in deep, theological or philosophical discussions. We do not feel that we can allow ourselves to clone Jesus until we have discussed the problem with leading Christian theologists.

Wolf: I'm not sure I follow you. What is this problem?

Dickens: It... you see, circumstances unfortunately indicate that, ... er ... the genes indicate that Jesus had Down's syndrome.

Wolf: You mean, he was a mongoloid?

Dickens: We prefer the clinical diagnose, but yes, he had Down's syndrome. He was simply mentally retarted. This obviously puts the entire Christian world-view in a somewhat unfortunate light, and we are not sure how to deal with this problem. From a scientific point of view we should perhaps acknowledge that Jesus was mentally retarded, and I'm sure we could explain quite a few Christian thoughts based on this fact. On the other hand, if we were to somehow alter the genes to remove this syndrome, perhaps we could create a Jesus without Down's syndrome and obtain theological information that would otherwise not be accessible. We have not yet decided, but I am hoping that we could create a number of Christs with Down's syndrome and a number of Christs without Down's syndrome and leave it to theologicians to determine who should be the authority on Christianity.

Wolf: Thank you for your time!

Dickens: No problem. Have a great day.

The Christian right in the US has denied funding for research in Down's syndrome, stating that no science should receive funding if it threatens the Christian mind.