Recently in Enjoying Life Category

"Chirp, chirp," says the little turkey chicken, and its mother reacts by feeding the chicken. And the mother turkey is in fact ready to feed anything—even its sworn enemy, a stuffed polecat, is carefully nurtured if equipped with a tape recorder that plays back the "chirp, chirp" sound. It looks like a mechanism where an innocent sound triggers the playback of a complex series of actions, much like a tape recorder that is turned on and fitted with a tape that plays back a standard behavior.

Robert B. Cialdini, professor in psychology at Arizona State University, has studied when similar "tapes" are played back in humans, and what triggers the playback of these tapes. And in that sense we are no smarter than the mother turkey, who is easily manipulated into caring for its worst enemy.

Figure 1. Dr. Robert B. Cialdini.

One Foot in the Door

It has been a significant advantage throughout human evolution to return a service for another service, or to offer a gift after receiving one. When someone gives us something, it is an almost irresistible urge that we must give something in return. The eagerness to pay back usually overcomes any negative feelings against the gift-giver, and it does not matter if one even declined the gift. The size of the gift is also largely irrelevant, and people are willing to offer considerable gifts in return for insignificant gifts.

This reciprocal principle, as it has been termed, can of course be used to coerce people into doing something. Free samples in super markets are thus not intended to convince us that a particular food tastes good, because few of us are capable of determining that. Instead, these free samples make us wish to buy something now that we received these gifts. The flowers handed out by the Hare Krishna monks are certainly not an expression of universal love either, but gifts that almost force the recipients to provide monetary donations. Free merchandise from various companies is of course also not motivated by altruism.

The reciprocal principle also works on a somewhat more hidden level that is widely used. If one begins by demanding a disproportionally high price for a service or a product, one may "reluctantly" offer to lower the price to a value that is still far too high. However, by offering a "gift" in the form of a reduced price, the customer is more willing to "pay back" by accepting the new offer than if one had made this offer to begin with.

1. Never acquire an enemy you do not need.
2. Study common knowledge, then reject it.
3. Never teach your soldiers everything you know, because one day you may become your own victim.
4. To deceive an enemy, let him think you fear him.
5. Bad luck enters through the door you left open.
6. At sea, we are all brothers. But those with life jackets may be unwilling to share.
7. He that answers for others pays the bill.
8. It you must lie, be brief.
9. Always pull a snake from its hole with another man's hand.
10. Shallow waters may conceal sharks.
11. I you are forced to bow, bow deeply—and remember the bitter feeling when you take revenge.
12. Do not use both legs when you measure the depth of a river.
13. Do not use cat guts to tie a dog.
14. If you are the anvil, be patient. If you are the hammer, hit.
15. Leave a sleeping dog alone unless you have a lion in your leash.
16. Nothing weights less than a promise.
17. Never underestimate your opponent's skills, cunning, and greed. And don't overestimate them either.
18. After the war, many heroes appear.
19. If you strike at someone in anger, be careful not to hit yourself.
20. Fire can be concealed, but smoke cannot.
21. Some defeats are better than victories; unfortunately, some victories are worse than defeats.
22. In every situation, ask: "what do I gain?" Then ask: "what does he gain?"
23. Better your foes believe you are crazy than they believe you are sane and understanding.
24. He that serves two masters must lie to one of them.
25. After a victory, sharpen your knife.
26. Everyone is kind while you do not ask for help.
27. A crow drowns if it mimics a seagull.
28. No crisis is as bad as one imagines.
29. Necessity breaks all rules.
30. Living according to someone's will is misery for a few, necessary for many, and desirable for most.
31. Today's friend is tomorrow's enemy.
32. If you are never on the street, you will never learn its rules.
33. No man's credit is worth his cash payment.
34. You do not know your soldier until he becomes your lieutenant.
35. Never reveal your weaknesses.
36. Do nothing to change your enemies. Control them instead. Know where they are, what they think, and who they trust.
37. Fear is often concealed with courage.
38. It takes a thousands strike to drive a nail into a wall when it is dark.
39. Hunger turns bread to cakes and beans to steaks.
40. Set priorities. If you are up to your waist in leeches, drain the swamp.
41. Everything is quid quo pro.
42. Never think that man is guided by reason and logic.
43. A thousand friends is not enough, but a single enemy is. There is no harmless enemy.
44. Make your plans as complicated as necessary, but issue simple orders.
45. Be kind to everyone, kind to some, acquainted with few, and a friend to just a handful.
46. It is a fool that cannot hide his wisdom.
47. Your opponent is never as dangerous as you may believe. Neither are you.
48. If you want to be loved, buy a dog.
49. Better an ass that drags than a horse that throws.
50. The future is paid with the present.
51. Many have starved to death in the plentiful land of promises.
52. The fish dies for its open mouth.
53. Never judge others for what you hear about them.
54. Eagles do not chase flies.
55. When the arrow leaves the bow, it does not return.
56. If you do not recognize the mark after half an hour when you are gathered at the table, it is you.
57. Not all that snore are asleep.
58. Planning is the mother of fortune.
59. A runaway nun always speaks ill of her convent.
60. Wolves may lose their teeth but not their nature.
61. If a problem seems unsolvable, look for the woman, or the man.
62. Many come fishing, but few will bring the bait.
63. No solution will satisfy everyone.
64. Many words, many lies.
65. If you must cut, let your victim think you are a surgeon.
66. An enemy is most dangeous when he seems defeated.
67. Problems show what men are made of.

A liar may want to be exposed if the exposure can lead his victim to believe another, better lie. But usually the liar just wants his victim to believe what he says.

In some cases a lie is evident but in some cases you need some tools to reveal it. Fortunately, the liar often provides a number of cues that I'll teach you here. Just remember that the cues do not necessarily prove a lie, and you may also encounter a seasoned liar that can suppress them.

Body and Body Language

Many people believe that loss of eye contact and shifting of the body indicates that a person lies. However, there is no such connection. Touching one's body by wringing one's hands or scratching one's head does not indicate a lie either. (However, if you're the liar, don't expect your victim to be aware of this, so don't wring your hands.)

The body nonetheless provides a number of cues—not about lies, but about emotions. These signals include eye batting, blushing or paling, dilation of the pupils, fast or irregular breathing, increased swallowing frequency, speaking errors, mumbling, etc. It is difficult for a person to hide these signs, but they reveal a lie only if the person feels bad about lying. And they can easily occur for other reasons.

When a person lies, usually it is a conscious attempt to lead a person in another direction than the person would otherwise have taken. Although lies of course share the common feature of deceit, they come in many forms. I've listed some of the more common forms below--not necessarily to suggest any ideas, but to provide an indication of what to beware of:

1. Make a false statement. Such statements range from simple "the grass is blue" expressions to more sophisticated statements, such as stating that one's earlier statements were based on testimonies from people that made type 5 lies (see below).

2. Combine two unrelated, true statements to a third, false statement. This is often done by religious fanatics who argue that their teachings are true. They can provide numerous true examples of how their religion has helped people (for example, their religion may talk about helping people in need, and some people belonging to that religion may work in hospitals), but that doesn't mean their teachings are true.

3. Modify a component or change the order of components in a structure of true statements, so that the meaning of the structure is changed without making any type 1 lies. This is common in "spin control," where a different phrasing changes the "spin" of a statement.

4. Use idea association where unrelated components are added to a structure of true statements, changing the meaning of the structure. For example, we know that Stalin, Pol Pot, and the Chinese government all were/are proponents of state ownership of the industry. Completely unrelated to this fact, they all were/are responsible for human massacres. If this unrelated component is added, one is left with the impression that state ownership of industry implies massacres of the people.

5. Omit selected statements from a structure of true statements, changing the meaning of the structure. The classic version of this lie is the use of "snips" in statements, where it would be quite easy to reproduce an opponent's speech as follows (albeit more subtly than in this example): "the economic politics of the Democrats focus on (snip) rechanneling the economy (snip) to people that don't need money." Like the type 3 lie, this lie is common in spin control and commercials, where a product's weaknesses are omitted from the description of the product.

6. Ask a third party, whose statements are known to include the desired false statements, to provide an explanation. The third party will thereby be responsible for the lie.

7. Use a surprise attack, where you present a person with so vast amounts of information that the person does not have enough time to process the information. The person will then prefer to believe in an incorrect executive summary of the information rather than process the information himself.

8. Extrapolate, using an otherwise true statement beyond its valid range. For example, we often see Christians, who usually don't appreciate the idea of comparing humans with other animals, state that because a particular animal is monogamous, then so are humans.

9. Mention a false component in a way that makes it seem true. The old classic in the software development business is the defect that is said to be a feature.

10. Repeat the lie. Ignore all counter-evidence to your lie, and refuse to meet the objections. Then repeat the lie as often as necessary, still ignoring others' calling your bluff. Eventually your audience will perceive the lie as just a repeat expression, and although the lie is still recognized as a lie, the initial feeling of being lied to has lost its intensity, and the resistance from your opponents wanes.

If one always spoke the truth, one could simply repeat what had happened if one was to be asked at a later time. If one had originally told a lie, however, there is the potential problem that one must be capable of repeating the story without alterations. This places the demand on the liar that he or she either have a very good memory, or that the liar is able to forget that there ever was another truth than the lie.

Research of human consciousness has shown that human memory finds it easier to believe in that which requires the fewest mental resources to accept. Not surprisingly, in practice this means that a lie either has to seem so probable that it isn't necessary to think about it, or that the lie must provide a mental shortcut for the victim, providing a sort of "aha" experience that "explains" a series of complex connections or lack of same.

Perhaps the key skill is therefore to make lies look like truth. In the simplest version one may appear credible and persuasive when one lies. In a more advanced form, one can build confidence by introducing a type 1 lie with a number of demonstrations of truthful intentions designed to lead the victim into a trustful position. Feelings of guilt or an appeal to higher insight can lead a person to feel indebted or stupid, which will prepare the person to believe you. There are numerous such methods of setting the stage for a lie.

At a somewhat more "spiritual" level, lies is a war of space. In The Art of War, Sun Tzu explains how a battle is won by leading one's enemy into a desired (other) place. This creates a vacuum where the forces were moved from. A vacuum tends to be filled, and by placing one's own forces in the vacuum, the enemy can be hit there. The art is to find the right place to create a vacuum, and to lead the enemy to move his forces from that place.

The vacuum is thus "the place where the person was." In its most primitive form of war, a fist in someone's face is also a war of space. The attacked person is hit because the fist "removes the person from his space" and the fist fills the space where the head used to be. In some martial arts, a person can easily be thrown to the ground by exploiting the fact that certain movements create a natural "vacuum" that the person falls into. The vacuum is that person's weak point.

The perception of a lie as a war of space should be taken quite literally. A person's thoughts and attention is part of the person's body, and if the body is affected, so are the thoughts--and vice versa. Lies are used as "movements" that create a vacuum where the person's attention to the truth used to be, and becomes the place where the victim has a weak point. Depending on the character of the lie, the person may simply fall into the vacuum by drawing his own conclusions, or the victim will be dependent on the lies that the liar--quite tellingly--fills the victim with. As in a physical battle, there are many techniques for lying, and the techniques listed earlier are just a small taste.

If a person lies to himself, it is within the person himself that the vacuum exists. Most people that know such a person understand it intuitively. The person defines himself by things outside of himself, is shallow and "empty." If such a person happens to lie to you only to feed his own self-deceit, it is the person's own vacuum that you might get drawn into. Beware of such people, because if war is a battle of space, then it is a war between you and that person--and that person has trained for combat his entire life.

There are many ways of figuring out whether a person lies. Similarly, there are many ways of making a person admit that he lies, often without the person ever being aware of it. Only an undetected lie is successful, and the liar must defend himself against a significant arsenal of weapons that can be used to reveal the liar. I will take a closer look at these methods in part two of The Art of Lying, which will appear on this blog in about a month. So bookmark this blog and check back often!

Part I, Part II, Part III

P. T. Barnum once said that no-one has gone bankrupt underestimating the intelligence of the American people. But, even if you are no fool, people will attempt to separate you from your money, time, or indulgences—deliberately or accidentally. The following tips may be an aid in our current civilization.

1. Trust no-one

You may trust yourself, but others would hardly be wise to trust you. It works both ways, which is why you should not trust others. Even someone that prefers to behave trust-worthy is loyal primarily to himself, or at least to his perception of what he is, and you'll come second.

2. Do not assume that someone will do anything to help you, even if they offer to

At best, they are attending their own agenda, but often they have malicious intentions and simply aim to harm you. There's no such thing as a free lunch, and anything that appears free has strings attached.

3. The more people know about you, the more they can use against you

It would be self-destructive to provide your enemy with information about yourself that may be used against you. And remember, today's friend is tomorrow's enemy. Those that you trust today may eventually turn on you, either because of you or because of them.

4. Never make yourself dependent on someone else's promises

If you make yourself dependent on someone else's promise, you're dependent on this person to fulfill this promise. The person may have only an insignificant influence, but if you make yourself dependent of this person's promises, suddenly this person has a means to control you.

5. Never make yourself dependent on someone else's power

A person that has power over you can make you do things you would not otherwise have done. This may range from neglect of those that deserve your attention to criminal offenses. This is why intelligence agencies try to determine your self-dependency when they assess your trustworthiness in security matters.

Making yourself independent on others' powers can be difficult if you're employed and hence dependent of your employer. If you have a job, make sure you can sustain yourself for months without getting a paycheck.

6. If you make plans that involve other people, never assume that they will do their duty

Do not assume that people have a strong incentive to do what is essentially your work for you. If the responsibility for solving a task lies in your hands, other hands won't solve the task, and even if responsibility lies in the hands of others, don't assume that those people are responsible. Try to plan around those people if possible, or make a back-up solution.

7. Listen to your own heart

Never ignore your gut feeling. If something feels wrong in your stomach, then it means you don't have sufficient control. But be aware of the caveat that you may have learned to appreciate what others have told you to appreciate.

8. If someone makes a statement that may impact you, verify the statement yourself before you adjust your life according to the statement

If someone tells you something, he or she does so for a reason, and the reason is usually to manipulate you in one way or another. It may not be straight-forward to determine whether a statement is true or false. If you verify the statement, you'll know.

9. Remember that people don't change

Very severe actions are required to change someone's personality, so unless you own a brainwashing facility, don't expect that anyone will alter his or her behavior. An asshole will always be an asshole, no matter if he promises to be nice. People often find different names for their behaviors, convictions, and philosophies, but they don't change.

10. Never acquire something that will cause you more grief to depart with than the joy it brings you to own it

Remember that anything you own will own you back. You may have to make periodic payments to keep it working in which case the item requires you to work for it, or you may be afraid it might be stolen. If you acquire something, make sure it is worth it.

11. Alway solve the present problems, and only those

A potential problem is not a problem until it becomes present. This does not imply that one should wait until the last minute to solve a problem. Instead, it means that one should not worry until one knows that there's something to worry about.

Once a problem exists, take action to solve it. A problem will always solve itself if left unattended, but the solution will seldom be to your advantage unless you take control.

12. Do not expect to own something until it is in your possession

If you expect someone to give you something, you do not have it until it is in your hands. Nothing weighs less than a promise.

A colleague of mine once introduced me to a term that I've found very useful in terms of employment and other involvement. My colleague called it a "goodwill account."

As empyer and employee you don't owe each other anything over extended periods--after all, that's why employees are paid regularly (although of course one should not forget that if the company profits, then it is because its employees are not paid the full value of their work). It isn't only the salary that influences the choice of work place. It also the nature of the work, the work environment, treatment of the employees, etc. This is where the term "goodwill account" becomes useful.

Think of it as a bank account. When you start in a new position, presumably you chose the job for other reasons that salary alone. This means you have a certain amount of goodwill towards this work place. This amount of goodwill is a positive balance on your goodwill account.

The work place can withdraw from the goodwill account until the funds are depleted and other companies begin to seem more attractive. Alternatively, your employer may deposit funds on your goodwill account through work environment improvals, more reasonable treatment of his employees, etc.

In rare cases a goodwill account can be overdrawn without causing you to leave. This happens if in some way you're forced to stay in your position. Your children may have certain daycare requirements; you or your partner may have competences that prevent mobility; you may need to stabilize your resume after a number of job changes, etc.